REsume

“Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect.”

- Alan Cohen

I have begun this blog so many times, I have restarted my intentions in the telling of my healing journey in so many ways. And while we do have the chance to begin and re-write our life story in so many different viewpoints, life is something that begins and ends with a breath, and everything in between is a continuum of living, and even a continuum of our soul journeys.

I could say that my journey to healing began in 2020, and ironically during a time when I was actually feeling good about myself, albeit feeling a little lost. I actually would be lying to say that was I was feeling was "a little", there was a lot going on -- my Papa just died, I lost my job, I had just returned from being locked out of the country with airport closures, I have just accepted a new job offer, I was doing a little furnishing project on the side, I was building websites with a friend for an acquaintance who is then introducing me to more and more projects that could potentially be the door that opens to me building my dream design company --- well, I thought I had it under control. The Virgo that I was has organized my head to hold on to all of those things in compartments, and my ADHD brain was loving it.

And yet. Yes, there is an "and yet". And yet I felt overwhelmed. Perhaps if I had written down everything that I was doing as I had done above, I would have realized why my head was swimming in so many different directions. I was putting together a business proposal then for the owner of my friend's company to launch my business as a division in his company -- just so I could work and test the waters for my business set up and save all at the same time, when I stumbled across a Theta Healer that guested in a podcast that I was listening to. What she said in the was so fascinating to me -- that sometimes it is our brain that connects things differently -- like how she was lactose intolerant and discovering that it was because of an incident when her dad didn't give her the ice cream that she wanted.

And while that is indeed fascinating -- what stayed in my head was "online consultation", which means that I can get a consult without having to be physically present (I do get quite shy on face to face scenarios) and if it doesn't go well, there is no risk of bumping into the therapist somewhere like the supermarket, pharmacy, etc. and that I could easily block all emails and calls and pretend that it never happened. I will of course later on learn why I think this way.

And so I did book that session, conducted via Skype and I was mind blown by it. You see, all I wanted to know was to have an unbiased opinion -- of someone who didn't know me, know my family background, that I can control the details of the story -- to tell me that I am making the right decision. Through that session, sobbing and crying, I later realized that I was still grieving for my Papa and was feeling lost or confused because I have lost one of the pillars of my life. I was feeling unsupported because he was the one that I can count on to be rational and if I express my case well enough, he will be on my side. No actually, he is always on my side. We also discussed about feeling of needing to sacrifice as a form of love which I have also learned from my parents, and through this session I have learned to put myself first, and to know that it is perfectly safe and fine to do so.

But what was most amazing is that after that session, where I would usually make decisions with consideration of all the aspects around me, as I was thinking about my next steps, it felt that I had a horse's blinkers on. It felt like a permission to think about myself only, and that all decisions are for me, and me alone! I could truly, truly ask myself -- is this something that I want to do?

There is a Chinese proverb from Lao Zi that says "A journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step" and often times we focus on the preparation of our journey -- what do we need to bring, what do we need to wear, what path are we going to take. But actually, a journey begins with a destination.

And to have a clear vision of this destination or journey that you seek, you can ask yourself these questions:

If you knew you would be fully supported, that all that you are worried about is taken care of,

What do you want to do?

Where do you want to be?

When do you want to begin?

Who would you want to be with?

or it could also be -- are you where you wanted to be?

And as look into my life, my soul journey and my current life path, I am reminded again that our timelines are not linear, and that even in this one life, there are so many journeys that we undertake -- with ourselves, with our family, with our friends, colleagues and even frenemies. And also, in loving kindness, reminding myself (and you too) that along these journeys we can stop and smell the roses, stop and stare, or just plain stop when we need to -- be it for a moment of forever. But what is important to remember is that this is our journey, our story and that you have the power to begin, to end and to just be, wherever part of it you may be.

"May you know what it is you are looking for -- may you find joy, may you find peace, may you find love. Blessings to you."

Sending you light and love,

Ayen