“Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.”
― Lewis Carroll , Alice in Wonderland
A few months after my first Theta Healing session, I enrolled myself on a "Self Love Journey" -- a serendipitous sign up to a coaching program that I could only describe as heavily guided. My coach who had such a beautiful vibe is someone I followed on Instagram, and when she posted about her new program, I asked for a clarification on the cost, and the next thing I knew, I was filling up forms and sending thru my Paypal payment. It did not disappoint -- the learnings I had with April still helps me to this day.
It was also around this time that I have started taking up classes for Theta Healing. My healing was definitely fast tracked --- whatever came up in my sessions with April I was able to work on with Theta Healing as well and so everything was resolved much quicker.
A few weeks into the program though, I felt that there was such a disconnect from what I am learning. And so I prayed. I asked God, "I know that all of this is for me, but it feels like it was not going through to me. Why do I feel this way God?" And a thought came to me -- I am sending love to myself, but who am I? I realized that I did not know. I have always described myself as a daughter, a sister, an employee -- but to ask me to know who I was without a link to other people -- I didn't have an answer to that.
And so I prayed again. Weeping, I closed my eyes and said "God, I do not know who I am-- please tell me who I am" and then I heard, a loud, clear voice in my head -- "You are Ayen. You are a designer. You love plants. You love to travel. And you, are a daughter of God". And with that, it felt like my world had stopped shaking, and everything that was circling in my head and my heart had calmed down. I have nothing to fear. I am His daughter.
After this, like a mobile phone reception after network traffic on New Years eve, I felt all the healing that have been kept at bay. My body tingled with all the energies pouring in, and gained a different perspective. By being able to identify who I am, I now know who to direct all the love, light and healing to. By knowing myself, I can now know how to best give her the love that she deserves. Self love now takes on a different meaning.
Self love is more than just taking time for yourself, treating yourself to good things. If you think about it, how do you show your love for other people? What are the things you like about them? What are the things you can do for the person you love?
Now, will you be able to say the same for yourself?
There are many reasons we don't think about ourselves. One is that we have been programmed that to think of oneself is selfish. This is most specially true in Asian families. Love is almost synonymous with sacrifice and service, and putting yourself first is largely frowned upon, often so that one's identity could be lost. A lot of people grew up in survival mode, and in trying to survive and help the rest of the family do too, we often forget about ourselves. Life just gets crazy and busy, and since we have this programming, thinking about one self, let alone putting yourself first, is often met with guilt.
Another reason is also with regards to parent's attention. It could be because you have younger siblings, siblings who are more favored by your parents, or just that your parents were not able to give you enough time and attention - it could be because of work, or other circumstances. This forms the belief that you are not important, that you must be invisible and this is one that doesn't allow you to see yourself clearly.
There are of course many other things. I write them here in hope that one would take a long look at themselves in the mirror, and if one can't, at least start asking questions.
Who are you?
With much love, and light,